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If You're Not The One.

Yesterday,after 3 or 4 months of not seeing each other's faces,we met once again.
It was totally awkward for me because I'm gonna meet him as a friend.
Adrenaline was rushing through these veins and I was having palpitations.
That bad you asked? Yes,it was.
While I was listening to my music,and suddenly he appeared infront of me with a grin on his face.
I just said "Oh,hi!'. Awkward.
We didn't communicate that much while we're in the train.
We started talking when we were queuing up for the movie tickets. He was adorable.
As he stood beside me,I couldn't help but gasp. How I miss that presence of his.
The best part;in the cinema.
I was concentrating on the movie,while he got closer,trying to whisper something.
He asked whether or not,I was sleepy. So,I told him no.
As I was shifting myself,I accidentally move my head closer to his.
Wanna know what happens next? His head was resting on my head and I guess,I was resting on his shoulder.
I just couldn't believe we did that.
Another thing happened. Our fingers were entwined for quite a long time.
To be honest,it was the nicest feeling for me.
Butterflies in my stomach and it felt so great to be that close to him
I keep repeating that scene in my head.
Yesterday,how I wished he was hugging me from the back while we queuing. Because I miss that.
I guess,memories are memories.
I don't know about him but for me,yesterday means alot to me.
)':

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Back To December.

You've been in my mind every second.
And I keep repeating those memories of us like it's being played in a vcd.
I've tried to be away from it but still,I just can't.
Why can't I stop from doing that?
And everytime my mum asked about you,I just feel like you're mine again which is not.
Like a proverb in malay,"Kalau ade jodoh,tak ke mana".
It explains that,eventhough how long you're far apart from each other,if the both of you are meant to be,God will bring us together again.
Sometimes,at night,I wish you are hugging when I'm crying.
Because I miss that sense of belonging in your arms.
I'm quite ego isn't it?
When you keep asking me the "us" question,and I keep denying.
Because I don't want to be considered as weak in your eyes.
Sigh.
God knows how much I miss you.
:'(

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Quran 57:20

I'm tired of all this.
I'm tired of all this "socialism",as so they call it.
Because the more I'm involve in it,the more hurt I feel.
I prefer to be my old self.
An anti-social but be with that one true friend,who will always be there for you.
And she has been that friend until now. I'm thankful about it.
But as I grew older,of course we need to socialize and meet new friends.
Slowly,I regretted that feeling.
I've been trying my best to be a good friend.
Of course,I'm still a human,I make mistakes.
Sadly,I'm getting more and more bad karma from it.
As a Muslim,we mustn't believe in "karma" but rather in Qada & Qadar that God has set upon us.
Maybe,this is my destiny.
To get through alot of people,in order to learn myself.
But...it's tiring.
They can hurt me but why can't they be hurt?
Just yesterday,there was someone said that eventhough how much that person hurts me,I will still end up show my love for them.
To be honest,I did that because I'm scared of losing that person.
I don't want to lose another friend.
Because along the way,I've been losing alot.
I guess,my sympathy have to stop.
I want to learn to be numb.
Stop being me but act like a robot,giving everybody the same sense of reaction.
Yeah,why not huh?
Let me lift up my ego to see how this goes.
Only my Creator knows.

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

The Story Of Us.

To be honest,
I was thinking of you yesterday.
I didn't want to tell because the emotions might come back again.
I don't know about you,but you have never left my mind.
But..I tried to be ego about it.
Because,I didn't want you to know I was devastated.
So,yeah,that is my confession.

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

About Them.

Sometimes,I think that I've been given too much challenges in life.
All I want to do is,just go somewhere far away,be with the Lord,and breakdown.
Because to me,trying to fit in this deadly world,takes alot effort.
The more you try to give your best,the more you'll be taken advantage.
But,that's part of life isn't it?
At times,you can't trust anyone but yourself.
If you build a trust on somebody,they will tend to destroy it in a split second.
And if you ignore their presence,they will think you're an ignorant.
Humans. Indecisive.
Now,I've make a decision in to be equal or I just say numb.
Because,when you are numb to your feelings,you won't feel the hurt.
You can smile like nothing had happened.
Healing takes time.
Nevertheless,to the people,I'm closest with,my care and concern for you will remain the same,because you guys showed what true friendship is.
I don't why I'm starting to type these stuffs.
Maybe I'm tired of the drama at my workplace.
Fake smiles,betrayal,it's just too much.
I need to get my thoughts straight.
Dear Lord,guide me well.

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Something To Ponder On.

Mum told me just now,that one of my cousin has gave birth to a healthy baby girl.
Congrats dear cousin! (:
Too bad,I can't go to Johore and see you.
I'm sure your dad will be so happy to hear it,eventhough he's in Mecca right now doing his Hajj.
After that,my mum continued saying,she remembered those days my late grandfather who went there after I was born.
He was the one who named me "Siti Hajar",as a blessing.
Mum hugged me and then she said,"Look at my girl now,so beautiful and kind,just like the name".
I blushed though.
"Siti Hajar" is a very meaningful name actually.
It's the name of our Prophet Ibrahim's (bpuh) wife.
Eventhough she used to be a slave,but she was a strong woman during that time.
She will do anything for her son,Prophet Ismail(bpuh),so that she could see him survive.

Subhanallah,I can't never be compared to such a great woman.
But,I'm trying my best. Insya Allah.
To live up the name,and to make my parents proud,including my late grandfather.
Awww. Miss you grandpa. :(

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Over And Over.

The doctor diagnosed that I have a gastric problem.
It was quite shocking for me though.
I mean,I would have never think that I will such problem.
And my chest pain? Well,it's just relating to my muscle. Nothing serious. Thank God for that.
He explain clearly that,all of this happened due to stress.
He asked if I'm stress,because he said,the way he looked at me,I don't have that stress kind of look.
I just gave a grin,and said,"Erm,maybe I'm stress? I don't know".
I don't want to elaborate further,because mum was right behind me.
Okay,back to the doctor's words. Stress?
I don't know if I'm stress or not.
Work is pressurizing,yes,but I'm coping well with it.
I mean,which type of work doesn't stress you out isn't it?
Personal life you asked? Well,nothing new.
In fact,I'm learning to be numb with my every feeling.
The world is going around too fast,and it's quite tiring.
At times,my faith is getting lost in the midway.
But I try to catch up though,if it does me good.
And I'm even learning not to have a so close relationship with people.
Because I'm tired of the drama and everything involves in it.
Alright,I'm bragging already.
So,is this consider as the term "stress"?
Not sure.
Nevertheless,I will try to be optimistic everyday.

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.