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Goodbye Old Blog

So,I've decided to leave this blog and create a new blog because there are too many bitter sweet memories in it.
Anyway,here's the link:
http://thehijabgirlnextdoor.blogspot.com/
See you there.
Salam. (:

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Just Go.

I've read all of your facebook status,and to be honest it was quite hurtful.
I know I'm to blame but I thought you understand abit,sadly you don't.
You are heart broken. What about me?
All those hugs and kisses,those promises,don't they hurt me?
I was quite upset when I read them.
I cried while I was holding a picture of you because I know,that's the last time I'm gonna do that.
You stated that you wanna move on. So be it.
Abandoned me with your sweet promises. Leave me! Just leave me!
You're happy now?! Tell me! Are you happy now?!
I know I'm not like other girls,who don't nag,don't look pretty or the sexiest clothes ever,but I've loved you sincerely.
Don't you read??
This blog has always been updating about you! YOU!
Gosh... I'm crying so badly right now.
Sometimes,I don't know if you are words are true when you say I'm different.
In what way?? Alien way?? What?? What is so different about me?? Tell me!!
I still remember that's what you told my mum.
You gave me hope tan siang chuan! YOU GAVE ME HOPE!
But now,it all crashes down,because why? I've left you alone for 2 days.
If you think you have problems,so do I.
You don't know how many times I brokedown at work.
I'm sorry if I'm burden to you all this while.
This dumbass girl shouldn't be hanging out with a guy like you.
Leave me just like anyone else.
Just go.
Don't let me hate you,please.
Just throw me out of your life and move on.
:"(

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

I Will Always Remember Today.

As he kiss my fingertips,my lips are sealed. And as he spoke those three letter words,I just couldn’t help but smile. O Allah,if we are meant for each other,show us the sign. I can’t bear to see him sad. I can’t bear to see us being stuck in a situation that will tear us apart in the end. I would want him to be my imam in the future,but everything is God’s hands. I will just pray for the best,insya Allah. :(

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Cause When A Heart Breaks,It Won't Break Even.

Why can't I stop thinking about you?
Do you know how hurt it is,to sleep with your face in my mind?
To wake up,and suddenly think of you?
Even while I was doing my prayer,I cried because I was missing you.
Dear God,forgive me for not concentrating well during the prayer.
His presence is killing me slowly.
I've tried to stay strong,but I brokedown in the end.
Close friends told me to move on,but it's easier to be said than done.
Because I'm the one who sticks to one and one only.
Dear Lord,guide me to your path.
I'm tired being the weaker one.
I'm tired being the hopelessly romantic person.
:'(

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

O Allah,

Patience & sincerity,that is what Islam has been teaching us.
This two words must work together in order for us to be a better person.
And,this is what I've been trying to gain.
I'm sure,if I accept Allah's decisions with sincerity,I can go through life without worries. Insya Allah.

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Wounded.

“Oh my heart,
don’t become discouraged so easily.
Have faith.
In the hidden world, there are many mysteries,
many wonders.
Even if the whole planet threatens your life,
don’t let go of the Beloved’s robe
for even a breath.”

Life. It gives us happiness,love,pain,hatred and so on.
Sometimes,this life can bring joy to our hearts,where else it can also messed up our mind.
And the part which destroy the heart is love.
Love,it can be beautiful but at times,it can stab straight to your heart.
You want to fall in love,but you're just scared.
Yes,that's me. I'm scared to fall in love once again.
I'm scared the ending might be the same again.
Broken hearted and walk away.
My feelings for him are still the same. No doubt about it.
We poured our feelings yesterday but it went chaos.
Maybe...maybe it's my fault. I'm the one who told him to be patient.
It's not that I don't want us back together.
It's just...sigh. It's hard to explain.
I've always prayed that he will be my future husband,be my imam and guide me through our Islamic rituals.
I've always dreamed about that. Even crying about it.
He doesn't know it. Because,he will never understand how much I need him.
For the sake of Allah,I love him.
Why? Because,I know,behind that grumpy attitude of his,I know Allah has created a gentle human being. It's just he needs the right guidance.
That's why I never fail to advise him eventhough he doesn't believe in motivational words.
Sigh. Only Allah knows how I really feel for you,Tan Siang Chuan.

"Tuhan,tolong nyatakan lah,pada nya tentang cinta,
Adakah masih diriku diperlukan?"
:'(

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

A Puppet In Your Life.

I cried while doing my Isha' prayer just now.
I don't know why.
Maybe there are so many things jammed up in this tiny head.
Sometimes,I feel like running away,and be somewhere alone.
This feeling still doesn't change eventhough it's already new year.
I still feel the "rejection",awkwardness and so much more.
There are so many negativity aura that surrounds me.
At times,I do feel like I've been treated like a puppet.
Because why? When I'm needed,they will come to me. If not,they will push me away and saying words that are far too hurtful for my ears.
Life isn't perfect right? So,I just have to bear with it.
Oh dear. I need a hug badly.
:(

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

If You're Not The One.

Yesterday,after 3 or 4 months of not seeing each other's faces,we met once again.
It was totally awkward for me because I'm gonna meet him as a friend.
Adrenaline was rushing through these veins and I was having palpitations.
That bad you asked? Yes,it was.
While I was listening to my music,and suddenly he appeared infront of me with a grin on his face.
I just said "Oh,hi!'. Awkward.
We didn't communicate that much while we're in the train.
We started talking when we were queuing up for the movie tickets. He was adorable.
As he stood beside me,I couldn't help but gasp. How I miss that presence of his.
The best part;in the cinema.
I was concentrating on the movie,while he got closer,trying to whisper something.
He asked whether or not,I was sleepy. So,I told him no.
As I was shifting myself,I accidentally move my head closer to his.
Wanna know what happens next? His head was resting on my head and I guess,I was resting on his shoulder.
I just couldn't believe we did that.
Another thing happened. Our fingers were entwined for quite a long time.
To be honest,it was the nicest feeling for me.
Butterflies in my stomach and it felt so great to be that close to him
I keep repeating that scene in my head.
Yesterday,how I wished he was hugging me from the back while we queuing. Because I miss that.
I guess,memories are memories.
I don't know about him but for me,yesterday means alot to me.
)':

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Back To December.

You've been in my mind every second.
And I keep repeating those memories of us like it's being played in a vcd.
I've tried to be away from it but still,I just can't.
Why can't I stop from doing that?
And everytime my mum asked about you,I just feel like you're mine again which is not.
Like a proverb in malay,"Kalau ade jodoh,tak ke mana".
It explains that,eventhough how long you're far apart from each other,if the both of you are meant to be,God will bring us together again.
Sometimes,at night,I wish you are hugging when I'm crying.
Because I miss that sense of belonging in your arms.
I'm quite ego isn't it?
When you keep asking me the "us" question,and I keep denying.
Because I don't want to be considered as weak in your eyes.
Sigh.
God knows how much I miss you.
:'(

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Quran 57:20

I'm tired of all this.
I'm tired of all this "socialism",as so they call it.
Because the more I'm involve in it,the more hurt I feel.
I prefer to be my old self.
An anti-social but be with that one true friend,who will always be there for you.
And she has been that friend until now. I'm thankful about it.
But as I grew older,of course we need to socialize and meet new friends.
Slowly,I regretted that feeling.
I've been trying my best to be a good friend.
Of course,I'm still a human,I make mistakes.
Sadly,I'm getting more and more bad karma from it.
As a Muslim,we mustn't believe in "karma" but rather in Qada & Qadar that God has set upon us.
Maybe,this is my destiny.
To get through alot of people,in order to learn myself.
But...it's tiring.
They can hurt me but why can't they be hurt?
Just yesterday,there was someone said that eventhough how much that person hurts me,I will still end up show my love for them.
To be honest,I did that because I'm scared of losing that person.
I don't want to lose another friend.
Because along the way,I've been losing alot.
I guess,my sympathy have to stop.
I want to learn to be numb.
Stop being me but act like a robot,giving everybody the same sense of reaction.
Yeah,why not huh?
Let me lift up my ego to see how this goes.
Only my Creator knows.

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

The Story Of Us.

To be honest,
I was thinking of you yesterday.
I didn't want to tell because the emotions might come back again.
I don't know about you,but you have never left my mind.
But..I tried to be ego about it.
Because,I didn't want you to know I was devastated.
So,yeah,that is my confession.

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

About Them.

Sometimes,I think that I've been given too much challenges in life.
All I want to do is,just go somewhere far away,be with the Lord,and breakdown.
Because to me,trying to fit in this deadly world,takes alot effort.
The more you try to give your best,the more you'll be taken advantage.
But,that's part of life isn't it?
At times,you can't trust anyone but yourself.
If you build a trust on somebody,they will tend to destroy it in a split second.
And if you ignore their presence,they will think you're an ignorant.
Humans. Indecisive.
Now,I've make a decision in to be equal or I just say numb.
Because,when you are numb to your feelings,you won't feel the hurt.
You can smile like nothing had happened.
Healing takes time.
Nevertheless,to the people,I'm closest with,my care and concern for you will remain the same,because you guys showed what true friendship is.
I don't why I'm starting to type these stuffs.
Maybe I'm tired of the drama at my workplace.
Fake smiles,betrayal,it's just too much.
I need to get my thoughts straight.
Dear Lord,guide me well.

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Something To Ponder On.

Mum told me just now,that one of my cousin has gave birth to a healthy baby girl.
Congrats dear cousin! (:
Too bad,I can't go to Johore and see you.
I'm sure your dad will be so happy to hear it,eventhough he's in Mecca right now doing his Hajj.
After that,my mum continued saying,she remembered those days my late grandfather who went there after I was born.
He was the one who named me "Siti Hajar",as a blessing.
Mum hugged me and then she said,"Look at my girl now,so beautiful and kind,just like the name".
I blushed though.
"Siti Hajar" is a very meaningful name actually.
It's the name of our Prophet Ibrahim's (bpuh) wife.
Eventhough she used to be a slave,but she was a strong woman during that time.
She will do anything for her son,Prophet Ismail(bpuh),so that she could see him survive.

Subhanallah,I can't never be compared to such a great woman.
But,I'm trying my best. Insya Allah.
To live up the name,and to make my parents proud,including my late grandfather.
Awww. Miss you grandpa. :(

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Over And Over.

The doctor diagnosed that I have a gastric problem.
It was quite shocking for me though.
I mean,I would have never think that I will such problem.
And my chest pain? Well,it's just relating to my muscle. Nothing serious. Thank God for that.
He explain clearly that,all of this happened due to stress.
He asked if I'm stress,because he said,the way he looked at me,I don't have that stress kind of look.
I just gave a grin,and said,"Erm,maybe I'm stress? I don't know".
I don't want to elaborate further,because mum was right behind me.
Okay,back to the doctor's words. Stress?
I don't know if I'm stress or not.
Work is pressurizing,yes,but I'm coping well with it.
I mean,which type of work doesn't stress you out isn't it?
Personal life you asked? Well,nothing new.
In fact,I'm learning to be numb with my every feeling.
The world is going around too fast,and it's quite tiring.
At times,my faith is getting lost in the midway.
But I try to catch up though,if it does me good.
And I'm even learning not to have a so close relationship with people.
Because I'm tired of the drama and everything involves in it.
Alright,I'm bragging already.
So,is this consider as the term "stress"?
Not sure.
Nevertheless,I will try to be optimistic everyday.

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.

Adam Dan Hawa.

About a few hours ago,I just finished reading this book.
I'm telling you,it's worth it.
Tears keep rolling down my eyes when I read it.
Maybe,I have lost the sense of love,eversince that day happened.
I keep telling myself,"How can a husband wait for his wife,for 8 years just to mend things back into pieces?".
It's not easy,I'm telling you.
If a husband,wait for you that long,even how many times you hate him for whatever reason,he's definitely the man you've been searching for in your life.
Love is blind they say,and we sometimes,we tend to forget the true meaning of love.
Like what happens in this book,the husband sacrifice his dignity,just to see his wife come back in his arms once more. That's true meaning of love.
I know,in our modern days,it's hard to wait for that kind of love.
I guess,I have to be patient in wanting to receive that kind of love.
A husband who doesn't care about his wife flaws,looks at her inner beauty,change for the better,and guide her through religion.
And,if I become somebody's wife one day,I will try my best to be like Ain,(the character in the book),pray for her husband's well being,love him endlessly,guide him and be the apple of his eye,insya Allah.
(':

~END~

Labels: A Beautiful Mess.